Borderlands

the curious paradox of certainty

Jun 06, 2024

Welcome to Borderlands, a series in which I examine and explore the edges of being human.

In this Borderlands adventure we are taking a little trip into certainty, uncertainty, and paradox. We’ll also explore skills we can develop to help smooth the transitions we face when our beliefs are challenged by new information, while hinting at the difference between our beliefs and our values.

Our journey begins with questions.

When you feel you know a thing, in your textbook or in your bones, can you entertain the possibility of that thing or ‘fact’ changing?
Could any of your beliefs change without altering your values?
What do you do to bring yourself out of confusion?

These are some questions that follow us as we explore what we feel certain about.

Certainty, Uncertainty and Paradox

Let’s begin with some examples.

Certainty. The phone number you had in youth is still the phone number you had in youth, however the phone number you have now may not be the same phone number: this is an example of a known change, with certainty. We are still ourselves with our values intact.

Uncertainty. Gravity generally behaves in a constant manner and yet the magnetism of the poles are shifting as ice caps melt and global ocean temperatures rise. Will the increase in water, affected by the moon which helps maintain Earth’s gravity, alter the nature of gravity on our planet? Probably not -> maybe: an example of unknown change with uncertainty. The next moment is always uncertain.

Paradox, a pandemic story.

During the global SARS CoV2 pandemic our addiction to certainty was and continues to be tested, and it brought so many questions with it. Is science static - or certain- and therefore were we given false information - which might challenge our beliefs about how science works?

Or is it possible that science evolves with new data, and our tendency to demand a level of security or certainty that science has never actually provided brings a challenge to our thinking?

The paradoxical challenge: that what we believe may not reflect reality, and/or that reality presents us with something we didn’t expect.

Another essence of paradox: holding at least two truths held at the same time.

Humans are notoriously great at avoiding this gray area in thought. We want certainty, facts, truths written in stone. Even if we had these things, the stone writing would fade as water and wind do their natural and predictable acts of erosion, transforming the thing we were clinging to for stability. Change is natural, it is the only constant, or certain thing.

One thing that leads to that uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty is Doubt.

It's great for survival; to take a pause and assess a potential food source or situation. However, unforeseen or unimaginable doubt, doubt about our capabilities, or our self mastery, doubts about trust, general unchecked doubt; those doubts lead us to a special kind of uncertainty. When I have those doubts I try to engage my curiosity. And sometimes it doesn’t work.

“It is impossible for (anyone) to learn what (they) think (they) already know.”

― Epictetus

Curiosity has a hard time thriving where our minds are set, where we feel certain, when we think that we have all the answers already, when we are unbendable in thought.

I think we get the most stuck in a mindset when we are confused and assume we shouldn’t be confused - the cognitive dissonance that comes from expectations and assumptions butting heads with reality. I’d wager this leads immediately to shame and halts all flexible and potential-breakthrough thinking!

In most Western cultures, if we are confused then that means

we may be wrong, and most of us

feel we can’t be wrong.

We’ve been trained to be right, and the emotional

consequences or emotional risks of being wrong are

too great to fathom.

We love what we know.

We crave what we are certain about,

even when that certainty is in our opinion about

who someone else is, or what they’re capable of;

a belief that almost always disappoints.

From my teachers in massage therapy school many-a-year ago I heard, "Don't study what you already know."

It ignited a kind of revolution in my mind and I try to engage that idea every time I learn something new; and sometimes I succeed.
Why would someone study what they already know? Doubt in themselves, sure, but also to self-soothe. I might do this on occasion because somewhere I felt like I needed a win, a question that I knew the answer to, a feeling of undeniable capability and rightness. That's great for a fleeting serotonin-good-vibe moment but ultimately doesn't get one very far.

Sometimes curiosity fails me and I feel stuck in turmoil. When I can bring myself back around I ask: what don't I know at the moment? Also, am I thinking for myself or allowing myself to be pulled in many directions without a solid, internal compass?

Curiosity, and even confusion, help to open the next doors - to learn what we don't already know.

While I believe in a collective consciousness I also subscribe to a sense of self. We are all connected and that can get muddy. And yet, like in nature, there is a place where the mud ends and a more solid ground begins. It is that muddy, liminal place where we and our values meet the collective consciousness. A place that can get sticky with doubts as we move through the molasses of our addiction to certainties.

Winds of confusion come in and gently lift us off the edge of what we know, nudging us toward what we are about to learn. It is only our doubt that ever keeps us from flight.

One thing that can help alleviate the suffering of our doubt and our addiction to certainty is Resilience.

Resilience doesn’t get its strength through rigidity or through being too compromising. The strength of resilience comes from being in right relationship with yourself, so that you can understand your needs moment to moment, so that you can see the natural flow of a moment and create a measured response instead of reacting to everything that comes your way. This is a practice. In this practice there will be times of great strength where we are in super acceptance of new ideas which lead us to stunning revelations! There will also be times of great struggle in which we cling desperately to beliefs that don’t reflect our current reality and lead us down a shame spiral back to suffering.

Like the mighty and ancient trees, if they’re trunk or arms are too rigid, they break. If they’re limbs are too flexible they can’t support their own growth. So many lessons from trees!

What if we changed our belief about struggle, strife and barriers? What if we in fact came to see them as omens? Small prophecies arriving to let us know that it is time to go within, examine where we may be unrelentingly stubborn with ourselves or others, and where we may be too flexible and possibly compromising our integrity and values.

Developing the skill of resilience requires time and patience.

It is a gift to yourself.

It is worth demanding the time and space from your world to practice.

Taking this time will give you the opportunity to show up more, more hale, and more ready to meet life's challenges each time they present themselves.

Developing resilience can help us ride the wild waves of natural transformation in our lives. With resilience we can entertain ideas and thoughts pushed at us from so many human sources while retaining our personal values. It is a learnable skill that can help keep us grounded in uncertain times.

So stay curious when you find your beliefs are being challenged, by others or yourself.

Remember that you can only truly control yourself, your thoughts and your actions.

And keep in mind that moments of confusion mean that you are learning (:

For some tips on resiliency from the American Psychological Association, follow this link: www.apa.org/topics/resilience

I’m certainly not the first person to entertain the idea that many of us are addicted to certainty and this bit of writing is one tip of a mighty iceberg. I highly recommend listening to the podcast, “Unlocking Us” by Brene Brown, specifically her interview with Esther Perel in the episode Partnerships, Patterns, and Paradoxical Relationships which aired on September 21, 2021. You can find this on Spotify and many other places where we listen to podcasts.

Next time on Borderlands we will explore our human senses and how they combine to create our proprioception, or how we meet the world.

Until then, Live full!

Emily Fawn LMT CLC RMT

*Ye ‘ol Disclaimer: the Borderlands series by Emily Fawn is meant to be uplifting, educational and fun, and is in no way intended to replace any medical advice from your primary care physician, acupuncturist, physical therapist, psychotherapist, psychologist, counselor or any other qualified medical specialist in whose care you are under. If you’ve read or listened to this piece and have questions, contact me.